I began college in the fall of 2010, directly out of high school. It was what felt expected by everyone around me: my teachers, my parents, and society more broadly. I enrolled as an Elementary Education major largely because many of my friends were doing the same. At the time, I lacked both direction and genuine interest. School had never come easily to me, and academic success required significant effort. I also did not particularly enjoy it.

The transition to college was difficult. I struggled to feel a sense of belonging and spent many weekends going home. As the semester progressed, my coursework began to feel increasingly unmanageable. I had long dealt with anxiety and depression, but the fear of failing and others finding out intensified those struggles. I began avoiding classes and stopped turning in assignments, creating a self-fulfilling cycle. By the spring semester, I was placed on academic warning.

Telling my parents that I was failing courses and unable to keep up felt overwhelming. I managed to keep my grades just high enough to remain enrolled, but I was placed on academic probation for the fall of 2011. At my college, academic probation required weekly progress reports signed by professors to verify class attendance and assignment completion. Out of embarrassment, I avoided disclosing my probation status to my professors and did not complete the required reports. Combined with continued academic challenges, this ultimately led to my dismissal from the college in the spring of 2012.

At the time, this felt like the ultimate failure. I internalized the experience as proof that I was incapable. I moved home and quietly withdrew from my college life. I did not explain the situation to friends at school and did not share it with friends at home either. For over a year, I maintained the appearance that I was still enrolled, explaining my move home as a financial decision.

During this period, my parents strongly encouraged me to begin therapy. While it did not feel optional at the time, it became one of the most important supports in my life. I spent the next three years in weekly therapy sessions, I began working as a high-needs paraprofessional in a high school, and slowly started identifying what motivated me and what I would need in order to return to school.

Eventually, I began exploring the steps required for readmission. One requirement was completing a set number of college credits with a minimum B average. I enrolled at the Community College of Vermont and, after two successful semesters, was eligible to petition for readmission to my undergraduate program. The process involved interviews with the Academic Dean, extensive paperwork, and letters of recommendation. I was accepted and returned to school in the fall of 2016.

Returning to college meant everything to me, though the pressure felt even greater than before. I left my job and treated school as my full-time commitment. I completed my degree in American Studies and Public History in approximately a year and a half, earning all A’s. Beyond therapy, a significant part of my success came from confronting the shame I had attached to failure. I intentionally enrolled in two courses taught by the Academic Dean who had previously dismissed me. I chose not to avoid my past, but to face it directly.

I was also open with my professors about my prior struggles, which created accountability and support. I learned what worked for me, including choosing subjects I genuinely cared about, developing effective study strategies, and working with professors I connected with. I graduated from Saint Michaels College with my Bachelor’s degree in December 2017!

After completing my bachelor’s degree, I never expected to pursue a master’s degree. I was convinced that my undergraduate success had been a fluke and that I had somehow managed to fool everyone. Imposter syndrome was very real.

In the fall of 2020, while working at the Community College of Vermont, the world was still largely shut down due to COVID-19, and I was eager for a new challenge. I had access to tuition benefits through my position and decided to take the opportunity to enroll in a master’s program. What began as a tentative step quickly became a confirmation of my abilities.

I went on to complete a Master’s degree in Leadership Studies from Northern Vermont University in 2022.